Rick Perry turned out to be a Newtonian materialist . Free your mind, Rick, and your ass will follow.
Eliot Spitzer is being sued for $90 million. The details hardly matter. He wrote something in Slate over a year ago, and somebody felt they were slandered by Eliot’s sharp pen point. I called a number that claimed to be Spitzer’s number, and a fellow answered.
Are you Spitzer? I asked. “Close enough,” Spitzer said. You’re being sued for slander and libel, I told him, but if you were writing at Dear Dirty America, this never would have happened. “What do you mean?” he asked. Nobody reads DDA, I said, so you wouldn’t be having this issue. You could pour out your heart on that blog, you big piece of cheese, and you would never get sued.
I could hear Spitzer thinking about it. His thoughts made a kind of whizzing/whirring sound. You’re not a great writer, I said, but the blog would still love to have you as a guest writer. “This is hate speech,” he said, “because I’m a great writer.” My assessment comes from a place of love, I told him, but beneath beauty thorns sprout. You can’t have it any other way.
Spitzer hung up shortly after.
The NFL saw a string of violent brawls and outbursts this past weekend. Fans were fighting other fans, and some of them were accused of being fanatics. All in all, I said NFL fans were mostly jugheads with beer and sausage for brains, and I still stand by that. It’s not their faults — they don’t know any better. I don’t know what jughead means, but it feels good to say aloud. It’s a word that should be boomed through an old auditorium PA system.
Maybe I got it from Spitzer when he called CNN a bunch of jugheads for firing him and replacing him with Erin Burnett, but I don’t think he used that word.
The hidden culprit behind the ludicrous NFL fan brawling? The stadiums spiked their food with fake testosterone to help whip fans into a frenzy. That’s the rumor. The hope was they’d spend more money on beer and bratwursts, but instead they acted like assholes with heads full of fake testosterone.
Ron Paul is the Antichrist
Finally, somebody has caught the Texas congressman with his pants down. A small group in Los Angeles invited me to listen in on one of their breakthrough secret discussions detailing how and why Ron Paul is the Antichrist.
After all was said and done, it turned out that not only Ron Paul had been caught with his pants down, but that nobody in America was wearing pants. Not Spitzer. Not the jugheads. Not even Mike Huckabee. Nobody. The group and I decided there was no need for Americans to put on pants every day. They would just have to take them off again when they went to bed.
The only people left in America wearing pants happened to be us. We quickly removed them.
In this economy, nobody can afford to waste calories through unnecessary physical actions, like putting on pants. Unless you have to physically defend your favorite sports team from other people who have a different favorite sports team. That’s what calories are for. Thankfully, those situations are rare — they only happen on the weekends.
A homeless man told me that America is the Antichrist. She wooed, and now She destroys. “It’s as simple as that,” he said.