August 12th already and yet the house is still empty and quiet. Silence. The weather is changing quickly. I can feel it in the air and there is a familiar smell that reminds me that fall is coming soon.
One year almost, nearly a year of tangled, mangled pieces that don’t even resemble a family anymore. As I sit in this silence I can almost remember each “tick…tock…tick….tock” of every minute since our life changed. Those are not the memories I had anticipated.
Too many questions, I can’t find the answers for. Memories that might not have even been real. What was true and what was simply a game? I cannot even trust what I thought I knew. Pretending was easy for you, you did it so well. Why didn’t I see it….or did I?
It was hard, yes very hard. I wanted to give up. “But you can’t” echoed in my mind.. So on we went. Marching into the darkness. Was there love? Yes, I think so. I thought so. But was I wrong? What was real and what wasn’t? Will I ever know?
I want my life back. At least the life that still wants me in it. I can learn from these mistakes, if I can just hold on a little longer. But will the past let go of me? Can I ever run fast enough so it won’t find me? Will people always see what they have always seen in me? Will they ever see through different eyes, or will I always be who they were told I was? Will change ever come?
I don’t pity me, I simply want people to understand. There is a me…that they can’t see. Deeply buried there she is. Is she hiding….maybe, or is she simply waiting to be let out? Waiting for an open door instead of all the slamming doors that say…you’ll never change.
We are born who we are, and then each event along our path shapes us a little more. Does that make it right? No not always. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s not. Can circumstances ever be out of our control, or should we have control of all of our circumstances? What happens when the unknown comes so fast you can’t see clearly? And you make choices that someone else might not make?
To be in quicksand as you cry out for help, and you can’t see anyone for miles and miles….leaves you one choice….die or go it alone. Which may end up being one and the same. Struggles no one knew nor would they ever believe. Things so unbelievable that they make it seem impossible to be true. Things lingering in your mind, that you are ready to forget, so painful because you carry them alone. “That can’t be” they say. So you continue on, wishing it really wasn’t. So you could agree with those who said “it couldn’t be”
What if I woke up one day and this never happened? Then I could be just who I was before. Living life like anyone else got to live. Waking up every morning anxious for a new day instead of being afraid of what lied ahead. Every body puts a mask on, only some of the masks were more believable than others. I find myself trying to remove mine but no one will let me. They see it as permanent now. It will always be, so stop trying.
Your past is your future they seem to be saying. They pick up my past every time I try to drop it somewhere and run away. As if returning something they thought I’d lost. I take it, sadly. Just wishing everyone would leave it where they found it. The past seems to be like this huge backpack that you can’t seem to take off, with people constantly packing it fuller and fuller…..and still expecting you to continue to carry it.
What will it take to be free? Will I ever be? Can healing come soon enough to save me? One day when the silence is gone and the laughter returns, I will run again. No more quicksand. Burning the past so I can finally be free from it at last. Focusing on what matters. And never looking back. Letting love soak in so much I can’t hold it all, then sharing all the extra with whats real in my life. The things that matter. The faces who need me. They call me mom.