Christmas Eve day couldn’t come fast enough. Santa woke from a restless night of sleep; he was so excited about the final preparation of the day ahead of him and his helpers. He leaned over and gave Mrs. Clause a big kiss on the cheek and flung the blankets in the air as he jumped out of bed to get ready. He slipped his red pants over his red long johns, then his black patent leather boots over his pant legs; he rose from the bed and went down stairs. He threw on his big red coat with the white fur collar that ran down the front of the coat on each side. He slid his black patent leather belt that matched his boots; with the oversized belt buckle around his big belly and snugged it tight. He put on his red hat that folded over at the top of his head and hung to the side with a white fur ball at the very end.
Santa headed out the side door to his work shop. His deep foot prints followed him as he high stepped his way through the freshly fallen snow from the night before. He grabs the door and with his jolly voice bellowed out loud as he leans back a little.
“Merry Christma…………… “
His face expression drops with astonishment, (camera pans in, pans out) as his eyes bulge outward, he’s looks around the shop,
“Where is everyone?”
There were only four Elf’s hard at work, trying to get all the toys ready for Santa’s excursion to deliver toys to the children all over the world.
Tony the foreman elf looks up and drops what he’s doing and wobbles over to Santa.
(Normal people would have pitter pattered, or just walked over, but we’re talking about an elf and everybody knows Elf’s wobbles, you ok with that? Can I get on with the story, thanks?)
“Santa, we’ve had a really epidemic of the flu and most of the elves are out sick.”
Santa was in shock, he becomes beside himself with the dilemma at hand. He has a deadline and needs more hands on deck to hit this deadline on time. Just then he remembered at the Howard Johnson motor lodge down the road,
(Yes, there are still Howard Johnson hotels around, they make a great fish and chip dinner with French fries and a vanilla milk shake. Wow I miss that, any hoo hoo, back to the story)
They were having a seminar for the new elf’s they recruited for next year. So he went down there and brought them back and put all there little short stubby fingers to work. I just want to put one of them in my pocket ant take him home with me, did I say that out loud? Never mind.)
Santa began to get very frustrated with these under skilled recruits, they just fell further and further behind in production. He broke a sweat, and rage began to seep in. Time was running out and he did not want to alarm everyone else, so he took all the toys that were finished and loaded them up in his big bag. He took them out to the sledge and climb up onto the side. His foot went right through the side board, causing him to lose his balance and falling back off the sledge and onto all the toys he had draped over his back; crushing and breaking all the toys he had. Santa jumps up and began to kick and throw all the smashed up toys everywhere.
“Mother @%*#^$, you piece of $@, I hate broccoli, we want a new president, we want a new president.”
Foul language began to spew out of his mouth. As he exhausted he began to think again,
“The elf’s are finishing up the rest of the toys, I’ll get the reindeer hooked up,”
He walks over into the barn and stops on a dime in total shock. One of the reindeers is pregnant and two have jumped the fence and he has no idea where they are. So he grabs his shotgun and heads out to track them down. He finds them grazing near a small frozen pond. He lifts his shotgun and empties both barrels killing them both. Then he renames them rump roast and shoulder rib chops, as he ties a rope around their legs and drags them back to the barn.
He is so frustrated with all that has happened he decides to go back to the house to tell Mrs. Clause all about his day so far. He walks into the house. He’s looking around; Mrs. Clause is nowhere to be found. Santa walks into the living room, them the dining room and finally the kitchen.
“Where could this woman be?”
He then decided to go upstairs to see if she is there. As he gets to the top of the steps he hears noises coming from the bedroom. He flings open the door finds Mrs. Clause and Tony the Elf foreman in bed together.
(Yes elf’s have a foreman and they even have a union. A 401 retirement plan as well. They just settled a strike and now get six paid holidays instead of the four majors and four week vacation, full dental and medical as well. Four years ago Mike the elf retired just before the recession. He had enough money to buy this sweet condo on the tenth floor with garage parking in Miami on the beach. Talk about great timing. Right after Christmas four of his elf buddies always go down to visit and hang out at the pool sipping girlie drinks with umbrellas. It’s so funny when the dangle their tiny little toes in the pool, If that doesn’t sound gay I don’t know what does.)
So Santa catches them doing the deed, in the act, push push, they’re having hot sweaty multiple position sex. He doesn’t know what to say. They both finally stop and look over at him. He turns and exits the bedroom to go get his shotgun. He storms down the stairs and just as he get to the bottom of them there is a knock on the door.
He walks over to the door and swings it open. There is a small angle holding a Christmas tree by the base as it lies down behind him. Santa in no mood for solicitors and begins to grumble out.
“What Do You Want?”
“I’m an angle and I brought you a Christmas tree, where do you want it?”
The angle says with a big smile.
And that’s how the tradition started with the angle on top of the Christmas tree.!
Merry Christmas everyone and to all a goodnight!