Oh, those deeply beloved Twins. This has been a very bummer summer for the good guys from Target Field. Right now, early August, they’re 119 games below .500 and 6 or 7 games behind the division leaders, whoever that might be, but do you think a guy could score an empty seat? Um, nope.
There aren’t any empty seats and I’ll tell you why. Because, that’s why. Because the people who live down there in barely-Minnesota have all the tickets and they also have nothing else to do, so they watch the deeply beloved Twins and eat $300 walleye-on-a-stick. Sue and I went to a game last year and we had the walleye, which was unbelievably good, but it took us damn near 3 innings to eat the sticks.
We went on-line to see about tickets this summer but every home game had this sign stamped across it, in big letters meant to look like they were on fire: SOLE DOUBT. It was heartbreaking for us to remember when the deeply beloved Twins had good teams and were never sole doubt, so people could just walk up to the frowning ladies in their heated kiosks and get tickets. Can you do that now? Um, nope.
According to CBS Sports and major league baseball, the deeply beloved Twins are 9th on the team payroll list, behind the hated Yankees and the hated Red Sox and the hated White Sox and the ridiculous Cubs. The number one team in total payroll is the hated Yankees, who pay their players a combined total of just over $201,000,000. In terms of significance, that’s about 4,370 average annual American incomes, while the deeply beloved Twins make as much as only 2,450 average annual American incomes.
Baseball players make lots and lots of money, and they should. Each and every year they work the equivalent of 12-1/2 weeks, and if they’re forced to play extra games, like pre-season or post-season, they’re approaching the stratospheric. Some of them work over 13 weeks a year, and if my exclamation point key wasn’t jammed, you’d see how important I think those numbers are.
Like Harry Carey and Halsey Hall used to say: “Got any more vodka?” Uh, I don’t think they said that, but maybe. Holy cow, that’s it. That’s what they said. “Holy cow,” they exclaimed “he hit the cover right off the ball and so did Roy Hobbs, remember?” Harry and Halsey didn’t know who the president was, but they knew who discovered Wrigley Field 200 years ago. Yep. It was Clarence Michigan, the guy they named the lake after.
Baseball is the great American pastime. Says so right here but you can’t see it, of course. Know why you can’t see it? Because you’re engaged in the great American pastime. You’re texting.