The Krispy Kreme Arsons
In the year 2059 Detective 1st-class J.J.Sugarfoot has been assigned the case called “The Krispy Kreme Arsons”.Trans Fat, the owner of the three Krispy Kremes torched is distraught to say the least…
“Who could have done such a thing? Years ago when sugar was seen as harmful to humans I could see health-nuts attacking Krispy Kremes. But, since 2050 when the FDA re-classified sugar as “health-enhancing”, this wanton act of destruction makes no sense.”
Detective Sugarfoot stopped his minirecorder/cam. “I understand your surprise and dismay Mr. Fat. It’s my job to find out the who and why of these arsons. Is there anybody you know who has an axe to grind with you? Any enemies?”
The dectective clicked his recorder/cam into action once again.
“My cousin, Tri-Glycerides has had it in for me since the FDA ruling – They not only upgraded sugar and sugar products, but they clamped down on the use of natural grains. Tri is in the multi-grain bread business and has suffered terrible losses ever since. But, I didn’t make the new classifications; the FDA did.”
“I’ll check him out as soon as we’re done here.”
Forensics was packing up when one of the team spotted a cigarette butt under some debris.
“It’s too bad everybody’s smoking again now that the FDA has re-classified nicotine as a major factor in long life.” Said Lt. Steroid of the Forensics Department. “With smoking everywhere there’s no telling who’s butt this is.”
“We’ve got a smoker – therefore a health-nut…but he hates sugar…a health enhancer. There’s something wrong here – either you’re into good health or you’re not. Now that we all know that sugar and nicotine go together perfectly…We’re missing something.”
Shui Fung, Tran’s wife, stopped smoking her government certified ozone pipe long enough to comment – “Not nicotine. Not sugar. Problem with floor plans of all Krispy Kreme stores. All face wrong direction. Bad energy.”
Shui took another hit on her pipe.
Could it be? She had a point – face the wrong direction and who knows what bad energy you could attract.
Detective Sugarfoot knocked on Tri-Glyceride’s door. The door opened, gently, and he was ushered in. The mirrors on the walls, the braided wall hangings and the carefully arranged furnishings screamed that Tri was into Fung Shui bigtime.
“Tell me, Tri, You know why anyone would want to burn down your cousin’s Krispy Kreme stores?”
Tri fidgeted with his natural hemp placemats – arranging and re-arranging them and oh-so-gently moving a chair here and a wall hanging there.
“Did you torch your cousin’s Krispy Kremes Mr. Glyserides?”
Tri collapsed into a neat sofa, put his head in his hands and began to sob. After a minute or two he calmed himself and said – “When the FDA re-positioned sugar as a health aid, Trans left our whole grain bread business and opened his first Krispy Kreme. When the FDA sanctioned nicotine as a key to longevity, he opened his second Krispy Kreme. And, when the FDA designated whole grain products as unhealthy, he opened his third Krispy Kreme.
Not only did my business suffer major losses but, to add insult to injury, all Tran’s Krispy Kremes faced the wrong way. His fung shui was wrong, wrong, wrong. Eat sugar, injest nicotine and suck ozone if you must, but never, never turn your back on fung shui.”
Tri then quoted the famous Chinese poet Simp Lee Bunk:
Re-label natural thinks as bad.
Tout smokes and ozone great.
Injest your sugar all day long.
Mark grains and hemp as bait.
“Yes! Yes! Yes! I confess. I set fire to all three Krispy Kremes. Just, please, see to it that my cell faces the proper direction.”
“I’ll do my best, Mr. Glyserides.”
And so it came to pass that diet and nutrition aside, for some, like Mr. Glyserides, how one deals with energy – both good and bad, was most important. Given that this was Tri’s first offense and given the plea for leniency made by his cousin Trans, Tri was out of jail in a mere eighteen months.
Mr. Fat rebuilt his three Krispy Kremes and opened three more but, to Tri’s satisfaction, they all faced the proper direction…proving once again that – As your butt grows backward, put your best face forward.